Among the top 3 sex questions I get asked is “does it get better?” I take it from this that a lot of us are having at best pretty disappointing first sexual experiences and at worst painful and confusing.
So, let’s start with the first, disappointing. I will save the suspension and go ahead and answer a resounding yes! Or, perhaps I should say “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
The first time I rode a horse (okay, all right, I know, I know, skip the joking) but seriously, it’s an apt and personal memory. The first time I rode a horse I was terrified. 2000 pounds of energy and muscles and I was supposed to know how to stay on, how not to get hurt, much less figure out how to enjoy the experience. I am a “set your expectations low” kind of lass and I remember being grateful that nothing had broken – on me or him. No one got hurt.
Just like sex.
The first headstand as a yogi practitioner comes to mind. Lots of prep work, lots of consultation from other yogis, some reading and then strength training and conditioning. 6 years of nearly daily yoga practice before I was ready to SAFELY and expertly do a head stand. Is today’s headstand “better” and more enjoyable than my first? Oh, yeah. Confident, strong, clear about where my legs are going and how to take care of my neck (this is a better metaphor for sex than I originally thought). My headstand today is a thing of beauty AND, quite excitingly, has a long way to go to perfection.
Just like sex.
Might I offer a checklist, a “to do” list for your first (several? Years???) of sexual experiences until you become a wise practitioner:
- The two primary sexual organs are mouths and ears. Mouths for talking and ears (and eyes) for listening (and noticing). Talk. Say “hey, I have messed around before, kissing, touching) but I have never had a penetrative sexual experience. Say it! If you cannot say it to the person you want to have that penetrative experience with, that’s okay, my dear, but an indication you are NOT READY and you therefore run the chance of an unenjoyable experience.
- Privacy – find a place where you will be uninterrupted for a loooooong time and just get comfortable being naked. Take your time. It can take some time to relax. This is called foreplay and is really some of the most fun parts of a sexual encounter….the kissing, the removal of clothing, the talking. Which brings me to point number 3
- Check in, be present, show up, tune in. Say “is this working for you?” “Are you good with what’s happening?” “This feels good.” “That’s kind of uncomfortable, I want to stop.” And use your ears and your eyes, if the other person is checked out or seems uncomfortable, stop and check it out.
- And point number 4….wait for it….wait for it…and prepare to throw things at the writer, tell the writer how crazy this thought is and how “this never happens.” Are you done now? Sober. Believe me, no good sex happens when people are shit faced. And if you are good at it or aspire to be good at it, you will want sober. And if you can’t do it sober, might I suggest you be curious as to why you can’t do it sober? Again, you won’t see me attempting a head stand or crow pose after a bottle of Malbec.
There are more items on this sex checklist, to be sure. I will add more in blogs to come and invite you to share your thoughts. I just ask that we all practice kindness while commenting on this blog and in our sexually intimate lives. Oh…there is so much fun to be had!
Till next time, wishing you light, joy, and all things sexy -